Finding Fruit in Failure

Revealed Healing Finding Fruit in the Failure

There I was. I’d failed again. Sitting alone in my room, realizing that my life had just taken a dramatically painful turn. A failure at twenty-five years old.  Tears streaming down my face at 7am on a cold Saturday morning. The magazines, brochures, and samples strewn about the floor showing signs of last night’s excitement and enthusiasm in planning the big event. The dress hanging innocently and patiently waiting to be worn, thinking it had only another 6 months to go, after waiting for over a year. The ring on my left hand weighing 10,000 pounds after he said goodbye and walked out of my life. The first question I asked myself was what sent me on the downward spiral: “What is so wrong with me that I am constantly failing in my relationships? Why does failure follow me like a heavy shadow I can’t escape?”

A trip down memory lane:

Over three years ago, my 6+ year relationship to my first boyfriend turned fiance completely dissolved to nothing in less than 6 minutes. We had been gearing up for the “Cotton Candy Converse Carnival” Wedding of the Century, complete with Converse for everyone in the wedding party, including my own sparkly pair of kicks to match the sparkles on my dress and veil. The dress was ready, my girls and his guys were ready, the venue selected, the DJ approved, photo and video guys reserved. Food? Check. TheKnot.com profile created? Yes! Save the Dates? Done and already passed out….

And yet there I was on the floor in my room of my mom and uncle’s place. Totally defeated and asking myself: “What is so wrong with me that no one loves me enough to stay with me?”

Well, my friends, crappy questions lead to crappy answers…. And then more crappy questions and answers come after that. For me, I stayed in the realm of negativity and self hate, and I told myself lie after lie after lie, and I chose to believe the lies I was telling myself.

Some of the lies and deceitful conversations I allowed myself to have were:

“What will people think of me now that I’ve done all this wedding prep?”
They’re going to judge me. Laugh at me. I’m going to hear “I toldja so.”

“Why didn’t I just walk away the first time he cheated on me? It’s not fair that he broke up with me. Why don’t I have a say in this?”
Because he’s my only friend and I’m too weak to leave. You don’t speak up for yourself anyway, so of course you’re not going to have a say in anything.

“But why did he leave?”
Because I’m too unattractive, fat, crazy, unstable, etc.

“What now, Brandie?”
Nothing. You’re a failure. Accept it.

My brain exploded with negativity in the midst of failure.

This burst of negativity was preventing me from finding fruit in the failure.  

I was involved in a situation that was divided into two parts:

  1. Things that were not within my control, and not my responsibility.
  2. Things that were within my control, and absolutely my responsibility to own.

Example: I certainly didn’t deserve to have my fiance running off with another girl from the local gym; but that was not within my control, and was therefore not my responsibility. However, I should not have used that as an excuse to dive into anorexia and orthorexia, while overworking my body at my local gym to fit into some impossible standard that was just not meant for me. It is my responsibility to take care of myself and to own the thoughts coming in and out of my mind, in spite of the actions that other people choose to take.

Of course, in the situation with my breakup, finding fruit in this kind of failure needed time. I needed time to be taken out of my small box of a life, be ripped apart at the roots, and transplanted into a larger space, where I have more capacity to grow and live and learn. Looking back now, I can see this. I can see the fruit in the failures.

Real fruit takes time to grow and ripen and sweeten. Flowers don’t just appear. The soil needs to be turned, seeds planted, roots ripped out and broken up when the pot is too small to hold the massive amounts of growth and transformation taking place. But once you transplant those roots into richer soil – soil that has been placed into a much deeper, stronger container – those roots that were once ripped out and broken apart can now BRANCH OUT. They branch out and take hold of the nutrients in that soil. Because they’ve ROOTED themselves again, and they now have the room to grow and expand further, you will see STRONGER stems. You will see intensely green, RICH, full leaves. You will see the most EXQUISITE flowers burst forth, and the sweetest fruits you’ve ever tasted.

To Your Health,

Brandie Nicole

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